(As we have seen, life in the UK of 2013 is increasingly so absurd that reality could quickly catch up with satire...)
Following the arrest of Rolf Harris, Operation Yewtree officers are set to arrest Stephen Hawking and Cliff Richard. It is also understood that Orville, David Attenborough, and Sooty have been separately interviewed under caution.
Police sources indicate that the music recording, Jake the Peg, was a clear admission by Mr Harris that he was in possession of fully arousable male genitals; and it was this which weighed heavily against him when the police/media trawl brought about yet another accusation against a celebrity; all of which police say they are duty-bound to fully investigate no matter how tenuous.
There is a formal denial tonight that Yewtree investigators had interviewed Esther Rantzen on suspicion of indirect sexual harassment in storing photographs of individuals in their late 20s taken some 40 years ago and flashing her teeth at 'em. This follows rumours of a new Home Office working definition of childhood as extending to age 35, and a revival of the former notion of indecency of exposed ankles.
Cressida Dick, the Met's assistant commissioner for specialist operations, commented: "Don't be so fucking stupid. Do you think we're just taking the piss?"